Marriage is an institution. And all institutions are necessary evils....
The above is certainly not meant to frighten anyone. But it is a fact. The fact that it is necessary makes us to enter it and since it is evil, we have trouble with it... But it does not have to be always trouble prone. If entered into in the right sprit and understanding, it could bring heaven down to earth.
Dwelling on its depths, it can be seen that a marriage has four levels of existence and any or all may exist at a time between two persons. They are the mental, the legal, the social and the physical.
We have a society around us and they require us to have a legal level to it and a community around us, which acknowledges a marriage if and only if there is a social level to it.
The legal level is the simplest to enter and exit and exists mainly as a proof and aid for other societal institutions which issue insurance, visas etc. This level alone has a clear exit route, a divorce. On the other hand, the community in which we live has always attached importance only to the social marriage, which according to it has to be a grand function with friends and relatives as witnesses to certify and to bless the couple's union. Thereafter, the physical level of living together comes into play, with an authorisation from the community. These are the three levels, which are perceptible to the society, and what it defines marriage as.
Nature though, requires only the first, the mental and the last, the physical to exist. That’s precisely the only two levels that all animals work in, except us, the special species called human beings. Marriage is considered by us human beings as one of the corner stones of a civilized society, exclusive to us.
Careful attention needs to be paid to the first and the last levels, as these are the only two which matter to the couple on an every day basis given everything else that may or may not exist. The physical level needs no elucidation. It follows naturally once the mental level is firmly secured but can also unnaturally exist until then.
The mental marriage said plainly is the state of consciously accepting by choice, the other as your own. It is a belief in the individual that he/she belongs to the other and builds the emotional bond between the two. It is an acceptance that we would share most if not all of our life with them. It could and is quite often one-way but it needs to become two-way sometime, sooner the better. Experience of one living out memories of time spent together and mentally living out, the probable future association would not be new to many. That precisely is the mental marriage.
At the end of the day, what needs to be recognised is that it is the couple who need to live together through life's ups and downs every day. In order that their lives are made heavenly by the marriage, it is absolutely essential that the mental marriage be strong. This is the one force, which will take the couple through all rough weather. Being different human beings, differences, which have always existed, are bound to come to the fore. They can be ironed out if and only if the mental marriage is strong. Forming the mental marriage is thus very essential. Since neither the social nor the physical levels have exit routes, it would be wise to build the mental marriage first and then enter the other.
The "Arranged marriage" institution in the Indian context holds the social marriage first, and then leaves the couple to go ahead with absolutely no assurance and support. One would not be able to turn back to the community for help and ask if one finds a mental marriage not happening. There are no exit doors. Its one-way. One could escape through the legal trapdoor but reentry is heavily restricted. It says, "You are now married. You better live it out come what may. Our role is over. Now, its your headache.". It is society's way of trying to build societal good uncaring for the personal good of the individuals. It is precisely this carelessness of the community that ends up harming the couple. Many find themselves trapped at times. The community counts successes only on the basis of the existence of the physical level of living together of the couple in one house. It cares not that the couple may be emotionally or mentally separated.
The "Love marriages" on the other hand start technically correctly i.e. by forming first the very essential mental level marriage. Technically correct is to be seen as what is correct in accordance with the requirements of nature. It does not take much logic to see why the mental level should be the first to enter. Our primal instincts ask for the physical level first but true happiness and fulfillment comes only from a mental belonging that we see in someone. It is only natural that we meet many people in the course of our life. There are times when we would find a bonding building and a relationship getting stronger. One feels at one point that the next logical level is nothing but living together. This next step happens naturally among animals but as human beings, we somehow find ourselves surrounded by other fellow beings who believe that the other levels, legal and social requirements are to be fulfilled before we enter the physical level. For the fortunate, the other levels follow. God knows how many stop at this spot unable to proceed and end up in physical separation. The mental marriage though does not die. At worst, it could be said to have gone into coma. Such people may enter the other levels with other partners and a new mental marriage may build but it would never have the same intensity as the first.
Though the love marriages are based on the one good foundation, the mental marriage, it does not guarantee success. One obvious reason could be that the mental marriage could have been nothing more than self-hallucination based on very weak attachments or infatuations. This is quite often the case and hence the fear of the society to allow it. Even when the mental marriage is real enough, in the subjective mental realities of both individuals, success is not assured.
What is essential in addition to this is trust and maturity in both the individuals. A clear understanding that the two are essentially different human beings of different mental make-ups. An understanding that differences exist and would show up often. It needs a commitment to tide over the tough times and a belief that the marriage would emerge happier and stronger soon. A trust in the partner and the strength of the bond one has formed. These are the only ones that would finally ensure a strong successful marriage. And these are understandings, which should be learnt by individuals in thier dealings with other people they relate to as family, relatives, friends and colleagues as these relationships also dependent on the trust, and mental understanding. These are essentially true even for the arranged marriages.
Which level comes into existence first depends on circumstances and choices of individuals. Any one may happen first. But come what may, whatever be the sequence, unless the mental marriage is strong and the other qualities of trust and maturity are present, the marriage is bound to fail, either ending in divorce or a clear emotional separation yet keeping the physical level going since no exit routes exist or living for the children one already has by then.
Realise the truth. Build maturity and trust worthiness in yourself, choose to form a strong mental marriage and then enter other levels of marriage. Your relationship is bound to succeed, as it would have outgrown the institution called marriage. Marriage, for those who do not cross this level would remain the same old necessary evil.
May all find heaven on earth...
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